Here I am to throw myself a pity parade. Overall, in the larger scheme of things, this is just life, happening the way life does. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me sad!
As with any story, the best place to start is at the middle, jumping right into the action! Except in this case the action was me shuffling around in a bobcat, moving lots of dirt, having horrible cramps, and being exhausted. As it turns out, this was only partially due to being a part time construction worker, it was actually due to…
Pregnancy. I was afflicted with the pregnancy. (Which is why I started in the middle of the story instead of the beginning.)
Naturally, instead of waiting at all, Dave and I called relatives, elated. We’d been thinking about having a child for years now, but the time never seemed right. Now, it was perfect. We are employed, we have our little farm, we have a spare bedroom, and we even have a little pony, about to be prepped and ready for action.
On the more selfish side of things, the timing was perfect because the baby would be due in March, and I have a history of not really riding in February/March cause the weather stinks anyway. So baby would pop out, and then I’d be back in the saddle a few weeks later, right when the beautiful spring weather starts up.
We got mixed reactions, and although I’m clearly biased because I love my parents, my parents were thrilled. We had other comments, like why would we have a baby with a due date that was so close to our niece’s (because we totally planned the conception so perfectly for the day before hers. If anything, I would think it was impressive!), and then I got a comment that kind of stung: I should have waited until after the first trimester to tell anyone because of the likelihood of miscarriage. But… we were so happy. How could we keep it in?
After the direct relatives, we trickled out the news as we saw our friends in person. One of our good friends even went out and bought us little baby gifts she was so happy for us. My mom, the social butterfly, starting telling her friends and relatives, and I heard their well wishes through her.
Even though I was happy, the weeks started to stink because I was so tired, and if I wasn’t tired, I was hungry, and then eating would just make me tired again. I don’t think I’ve ever had so much sleep in my life. Weekends would go by and I would literally have slept the entire weekend. Plus, I gained like 10lbs, and I’m not even kidding. That’s what happens when I stuff my face and then do absolutely nothing.
One weekend, I started to feel much better, and I thought it was because my body had finally equalized, or something like that. I don’t pretend to know what’s going on chemically, I was just happy I had the energy to get out of bed and move.
My first baby appointment was scheduled at 10 weeks. I had my ultrasound, and when I first saw the blob on the screen, it suddenly became real, because there was my baby, and the pregnancy tests hadn’t been lying, and it was right there, growing inside of me.
Except it wasn’t. At first, the ultrasound technician talked us through what she was doing, and showed us the blob, but then she said usually there’s a fetal pole showing. She probed around some more, and gradually grew more and more quiet. She did what I realize was a heartbeat test, but said nothing about the results or what she was doing. Afterward, she told us someone would call, and left it at that.
The next morning, I got a call from the doctor, saying he needed to see me as soon as possible. Dave and I headed back that afternoon, and we were informed that I had a blighted something or other, and my baby wasn’t a baby after all, it was unformed, it would never form, and I would likely have a miscarriage, and if I didn’t, I’d have to have a procedure to get it out. There was also an extremely small chance that it was a baby, and that we had just had the timing off, but I knew I was 100% correct in my timing. I left the office crying. Dave asked if I wanted to go look for the wild turkey family that lives near my house. Those big birds make my day every time I see them. But I didn’t, I just wanted to go home and sulk.
Last week, I had blood drawn so they could test my level to be sure. I already felt inside that nothing was there, and I wished I could just skip it, and just wait for the enviable to happen, but I trooped into my doctor’s office in the mornings, mainly because it let me sleep in a little.
Yesterday was my follow up appointment. I came home early from work, and I was shocked to find my Wild Turkey Family in my front yard.
A small, illogically part of me made a leap and said it was a sign. My turkeys came to visit me, maybe they were telling me that it would be okay, I’d go to the doctor and get good news, that somehow the timing was way off, and the baby would form and be fine. But then I remembered life isn’t a fairy tale, and just because the turkeys blessed me with their presence doesn’t mean anything except they were in the area and maybe there’s something tasty by my pile of stone dust (that is still there, ugh).
We headed to the doctor, and he confirmed what we already knew. My levels had dropped. There was no baby. The doctor gave me a prep talk of what I have to look forward to – the miscarriage. I won’t get into the gory details, but he told me it can be scary, and if it felt like it was too much, I should go to the ER and they will take care of me. Hurray???
Now I’m left with a mixture of (negative) emotion. I’m disappointed there’s no baby at all, no child to look forward to, and I went through many weeks feeling crappy for nothing. I feel like a liar and a jerk for telling anyone I was pregnant, and I’m embarrassed that I now have to go back and tell them it’s not going to happen. I wonder how many will feel like I should have kept my mouth shut until I was past the first trimester. I feel like my body betrayed me, and now I’m wondering if it’s even possible that I could ever get pregnant. I went my entire adult lift avoiding getting pregnant and now that I want to be, it feels like it will never happen. I feel like I notice every single pregnant woman on the street, and I wonder if it was hard for them, or if it was just completely natural and easy. Perhaps it’s just my location, but I also notice that they all seem super trim with just their baby bellies poking out, and I wonder how they managed to avoid eating everything in sight. And then I’m bitter that I couldn’t resist, and now I just have an extra 10lbs and no baby to show for it.
I told my mom that the doctor was predicting a miscarriage. I didn’t want to say it out loud and make it so, but I didn’t want her to keep mentally prepping for a grandbaby that would never come. Her reaction made me feel better. She told me she had several miscarriages, too. She has 4 grown children now. Her sister-in-law had eight miscarriages before having twins. She told me it happens, which is a mirror of what my doctor said. He said if I opened up, I’d likely hear about others that I’d have no idea of.
Overall, it’s not the worst thing that could have happened. It hadn’t formed, but I’m sad for what could have been. All the time I’ve had it inside of me is gone. March 21 will come, and I’ll feel sad all over again for what could have been. I’m ready to have the baby, and raise a child, but it doesn’t want to happen yet, and now I’m stuck in limbo until my body decides to do something.
I think most of all, I feel sad for misleading people, and I feel like I toyed with their emotions. I suppose I should have waited for those 12 weeks to be up. But now I’m scared that next time, it will be even worse. If I do get pregnant, I may get past 12 weeks, but something else will happen.
I’m just feeling a bit emotional these days.